When Praying Hands Fall
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I’m bad at prayer. Whether it’s whispered as I kneel by my bed at night, a fleeting thought in my head throughout the day, or written at my desk in the morning — I just can’t seem to get the hang of it. When I attempt to pray, something somewhere always seems to disconnect.
I envy those who can believe. I never had it in me. There were always too many questions and never enough answers. My faith is perfectly encapsulated by Pascal’s Wager¹. So I try to believe. And I exist trying to convince myself that coincidences are not coincidences, but evidence of divine intervention. My belief in God is conceptual, hypothetical, not yet realized.
I have every reason to believe that there is something somewhere. To most people, there is empirical evidence within my lived experience of a higher power. But who’s to say that doctor wasn’t just exceptional at his job? And who’s to say that those roads weren’t just clear enough that the inebriated driver who took me home couldn’t have crashed into anything if she wanted to? Who’s to say I just didn’t take enough pills to get the job done that night? Who’s to say these weren’t all just coincidences?
I’m bad at prayer. I envy those who are good at it. With every whisper that dissolves into nothingness and every letter sent out to the void, I become more disillusioned. But I keep trying² and I keep thinking and I keep wrestling and I keep hoping that somewhere along the way I find something that works for me³.
They say the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. And if doubt and faith go hand in hand, then I’m the best Christian around.
¹ A theological idea by Blaise Pascal that states that it is not possible to prove or disprove the existence of God, therefore the intellectual decision would be to choose what benefits the individual most. If God existed and the individual believes, they will be rewarded with eternal life and happiness, if they do not believe they will be punished with eternal damnation. If God did not exist it would make no difference. It is better (and more intellectual) to bet that God does exist.
² My prayer journal is full of first prayers in months in which I tell myself (and God, I suppose) that I’ll “try to do better” and I’ll “be more consistent.” I never am.
³ Buddhism has always seemed nice. A belief system, but not a religion. Something to guide me, but not constrain me. Note to self: research Buddhism.
